This post is going to be confounding, circular, and abstract, so please try to bear with me. Last May graduated from college. The following summer I saved my money, and in the winter travelled through Europe. Now the sun has set on those days. I'm okay with that. I loved being a student, it was the perfect blend of responsibility and freedom. I worked hard and graduated cum laude and wrote a Honors Thesis that was awarded Highest Honors. I saved my money and treated myself to a trip through Europe. In 50 days I travelled to 9 countries, visited 15 cities, made friends, had experiences, fell in love, missed opportunities, received unexpected rewards and moments and made countless memories for life. I learned about my self and the world around me. I saw things that before had only existed in movies and in books and in paintings. I have a college degree from a respectable American university and I have been to places that most people have only dreamed of going to and had experiences that only exist in literature. The last chapter of my life was great. But those days are now yesterdays, and I am completely okay with that. I understand that chapters end and that new chapters begin.
My only problem is, I want the next chapter to begin. On a deeper level, I want to be able to tell if the next chapter has begun. I'm sleeping in the same room I've slept in since 1993, I'm doing the same job I was doing when I was 14, I'm hanging out with the same kids I hung out with in high school. And I feel like I have not grown. I feel that I've just gone in a circle and not started along a path. I want to start a path but I don't know what path to take. I'm okay with that as well, I know that I'll take a few paths and hopefully blaze one or two of my own before I find one that I want to stay on for a while. What I'm not okay with is that I'm not on any path at all. The sun has set on my yesterdays. But I'm waiting for it to rise on my tomorrows.
I have found ways to occupy my time. I've been doing volunteer work helping prisoners write better. I've read a lot of books that I've wanted to for a long time. I (tacitly) started learning french and am trying (with little success) to play the guitar. I have sent out my CV and applied to jobs but I haven't heard anything back. Not hearing anything is worse than rejection. It's hard not to let the thought that one is not even worthy of acknowledgment seep into the cracks of one's psyche. I have only been at this for a little over two months, and I have a way to support myself and a way to contribute back to society, and I have a backup plan. If I don't have a job by the winter, then screw it I'm going back to Europe. At least I won't have to hear about Jodi Arias. Seriously CNN please talk about something else.
